Thursday, April 01, 2004

Now, That's Writing!

I read Penny Arcade's "News" section as well as the webcomic itself every Monday, Wednesday and Friday... I seldom know much about the games that are their obsessions, but the sense of humor and skewed outlook is highly recognizable. Apropos of Nothing, as the saying goes, and somewhat out of context, this, from yesterday, made me laugh out loud...

Despite some comics you may have seen online, Gabriel and I are not gay and we rarely have sex with one another. Indeed, long ago we solicited the services of two young women for this exact purpose and eventually went about securing them in exclusive contracts. I chose the Brenna model and have thus far been reasonably satisfied with the purchase. There's only one facet of the union that grinds, and that is her acquisition of a nicotine addiction. She doesn't chew, I never retract from intimacy with any kind of mulch on my face. She smokes. I don't care if you smoke, as the odds are good I never have to taste the inside of your mouth.

It's a "hobby" she picked up during one of her bacchanalian summer drama tours. I asked her if it was accurate to say that she started doing it because the cool kids were, and she replied that, no, it was because everyone else was doing it. Apparently there are points of distinction between those two things that my apparatus doesn't have the magnification to detect. For a long time, I only suspected it - when I would kiss her during some college visit, it would taste as though she had been eating cats still crisp from a barn fire.

She has tried to quit before, but she clearly didn't mean it and I had no energy to support her in some grueling ordeal she had only nominal interest in. This worked out great for her, because then when she failed it could be my fault. It's a service that I provide people too lazy to take the reins of their own lives.

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